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| 12:51pm 29/01/2008 |
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I really need to learn to relax, and let go of my past. but FUCK its hard. |
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| Man Boy |
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| 11:31am 28/01/2008 |
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mood:  pensive
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Can I just relax for a second? I'm too uptight and I need to go out and experience the world and the things people do when they're young. I'm to old for my own good and often times way to young, I need to fix this. somehow it needs to be fixed... |
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| Art? |
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| 12:42pm 12/02/2007 |
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mood: contemplative music: Horse Feathers-Finch on Sundays
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...*sigh*
Love. What is it?
its funny cause for me I always have places of beauty or sounds of nostalgia that remind me of love. That have ultimately become what love is. So my question is what do we fall in love with? Is it the person or is it there beauty? And why is it the certain places constantly remind me of love. For instance the huntington gardens. It will always be love to me, and not because of who i took there, Its been like that since the day I got there. See my problem is that i remember being in love with a person, yet for some reason i can never remember what that feeling is without the aid of music or very visually pleasing nature. Does anyone else have this problem? I dunno it makes me worry, Do i love the image and the sounds more than the person, I remember loving a person once for who they were i ignored even the worst problems because of I loved so much, Yet I can't really truthfully remember what the feeling was like, i remember the side effects just not that grounding feeling. I feel like the only time I truly feel anymore is when i'm around art or nature, it kind of worries me cause do I really just live in art and is that even healthy? Almost everytime i look at person its more me loving what they are and not who they are, I love the aspects that is art, but is it so wrong, cause isn't that what we all are anyways. Walking pieces of art with imperfections enough to give the art critics a field day?
anyway, sometimes you just have to wonder...
so is it fair to separate art from the person or is the person art? |
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| 10:12am 25/01/2007 |
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mood:  numb
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You know its funny i'm sitting here drinking tea listening to irish folk music, being the little hobbit i am. And my sister calls me, and my cousin isabella who is only 8 is in the hospital and needs brain surgery. She's been having bad seizures and is now hallucinating. fuck. what do we do when we hear stuff like that? Its i guess one of the many reasons we have god apparently, and yet how can we have gods who do this to little children. I just hope she gets out of this okay. I'll try praying and hoping that we do have god on our side as weird as that may sound... |
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| I've decided i don't post enough! |
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| 01:01pm 17/01/2007 |
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music: El laberinto del Fauno- Javier Navarrete
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And that is what this is for!
Anyways so I saw the most amazing film i've seen in a really long time. that bumbumbum being Pan's Labyrinth. So now i must strongly suggest you all see it. If you want to be inspired if you want to remember what is was to believe. You must see this film cause hot damn is it amazing. I saw it with my best friend Drew. and afterwards we ended up having a 3 hour disscussion on the nature of belief and faith. I just can't tell you how amazed i am with this movie i can't shut up about it. And immedietly after i saw the movie i bought the score. and for any of you who are music lovers or appreciate music as an art form whatever. go pick this up its one of if not the best soundtrack i have ever heard. *sigh*
Anyways on to life. so I'm back to being single for those of you who don't know i was in a relationship like not that long ago. i'm not talking about the crazy one this is a new one. But i realized that i don't know what i want and i couldn't figure it out being in a relationship, and its intresting getting perception, actually realizing what i want, and part of my phsycosis, i guess, is that i need someone to live in my fantasy world with me, and i haven't found that yet, i mean yes i can be realistic i often am, but no one i've ever been with has let me escape with them into a world unseen. completely weird i know but ah well.
Anyways i need people to go to the renn faire with me. its is a must! i've decided to start planning early cause last year didn't happen! and i was pissed. anyways if anyone wants to go i think we should! anyways i hope everone is well and i'll check back soon |
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| 12:54am 21/10/2006 |
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HAHAHAHA ITS FINALLY OVER! I"M OVER THE WOMAN! i went to the myspace and i don't care anymore! it doesn't hurt! wooooooooooot! man awesome! i hope this lasts lol.
Anyways while that is good
Unrequited love strikes again. I've fallen for a girl i could never be with. What the fuuuuuuck is wrong with me? i tend to go for people i just can't be with. Sometimes i wonder if i go for people i can't be with in order to protect myself from actually doing anything about it. ya know?
And i'm getting tired of me using my height as an excuse not to do something about my crushes I have such of a fucking complex. but yeah i don't know what to do... |
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| 10:11am 31/08/2006 |
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mood:  angry
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I'm soooooo fucking done.
I keep letting myself get dragged in. I always do it.
I finally see her yesterday had to give her back books. I was in the practice rooms, she came in. and sure everything was fine at first, i was both happy and miserable at the propspect of seeing her. she hugged me. always trying to drag me back in. just as i finally start getting out. She toys with my emotions again and again. i try to let myself just let go of all my anger and hatred towards her, but the moment i do that i'm weak, sure it hurts to be mad it hurts to be angry. but to let myself get back into that. Will inevitably destroy me. She says things that place all the blame on me, Every problem she might be having with her boyfriend, is some how attatched to what we had, to how our relationship almost destroyed her. That because of who I was because i didn't really believe in God, i ultimately destroyed everything because i loved her. but now i hate her. what choice do i really have? I feel stuck, the thought of her makes my blood boil, it makes my heart sink, it gives me these viseral reactions. And now of course she blames the drama on me. she sucked me back in. with her very attitude she sucked me back in, she sits there trying to make me want her again, waits for me to say something that could easily turn into happiness and replies something that turns EVERYTHING! back to where we always were. in pain. I am the only reason her relationship is successful because she doesn't need pain from him she gets it all from me. and i hate her for it. despise her, loath her. I don't enjoy these feelings I'm not proud of them. But what am I supposed to do? when everywhere i go at that fucking school memories of her, the prospect of running into her. i can't deal with it. so i wonder should i just get out move somewhere else? Do i quit because this one person has destroyed what i thought could be a wonderful college experience. i need to get out even my very room reminds me of her. and it hurts to bad. I'm stuck. i so badly want to make her life hell. but i won't. I know when i see her again i might get sucked back in. BUT FUCK IT! i refuse to. i will not. I am my own person, my own life and she has nothing over me. I will not give her that power. i cannot give her that power. i just want to let everything go. i want to really live again and i don't want memories of her haunting me. and yet here i am, reflecting on why i hate her, still giving her the power to make me angry, to make me savage. what am i doing... |
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| so it comes to this |
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| 11:21pm 24/08/2006 |
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mood: pessimistic music: The Mountain Goats
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Its funny, no matter how much you, can talk about something, no matter how much you talk about something, the thoughts never seem real, the resolutions never seem final. And its about time i make decisions its time i own up to myself about what i am and who i am. I've spent the past 4 months trying desperately to come to some conclusion in my mind that makes sense. and yet i never seem to find it. So i decided tonight I would. tonight i would try to come up with an adequet solution.
I'm depressive there is no doubt about that, i'm on prozac hoping for it to cure this fun ailment. The funny thing is that this drug doesn't truly do much. I wonder what exactly this drug IS doing, and to some extent i've figured it out. My thought process hasn't really changed much, the depression is still there. I hurt all over. the thoughts of self mutalation and suicide often come into my brain. truly this drug keeps me from acting out, it says don't do that, so now i wonder if its limiting my ability to act out in a positive way. I keep having this vivid fantasies of some extreme hopeless romantic gesture. I can't ever bring myself to just do it. I don't know why i ranted about that.
Truth is i didn't know what depression was until 4 months ago, where i had my heart ripped into pieces, where jealousy finally took control. I lost it. i went insane. Nothing in the world could ever keep me grounded in reality, in life. Everything i did was extreme, i started cutting i started attempting suicide. clearly i failed. Its amazing how with being in a mental instituion and taking drugs to hinder my extreme emotions.
Now its not fair for me to say i have been nothing but depressed, i've had good times this summer, i've felt hopeful again. someone was sure to love me at some point again right?
3 days ago i lost hope, i lost my ability to, in some ways, dream of being happy. I sometimes wish i didn't have to feel anymore. i feel completely consumed by dread, the melancholy dreams wake me. I'm never at rest anymore, no peace. I feel stuck. I feel most of all pathetic. useless, unworthy of love, so truth is why would anyone ever want to be with me. What do i even have to offer? unhappiness.
frankly i don't care who reads this. there is no point in hiding. this entry will be public. I wish i knew how to be happy. I guess i'm not going to come to some conclusion. i just wish i had hope again. i wish i had purpose, reason. but yet thats a bit much to ask for. I'm tired of suffering. death seems a bit nice. and not in the morbid sense. i mean it just seems nice. so at least i have that to look forward to. Truth is i want love again, i want to be with someone who i can love and can love me. but its hard when i feel like no one "likes me" in that sense anyways. I know I have friends and they are wonderful and supportive. but i need something else. I just want things to get better |
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| Hi guys |
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| 08:27am 13/03/2006 |
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mood: nostalgic music: Modest Mouse
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I have the strangest urge to update this thing, and I'm assuming its cause i was just listening to Modest Mouse, and i started to feel nastolgic. Damn i miss everyone, Drew, Ben, Fuzz, Michelle, Lucio, Cliff. and Lauren. Its been a long time since we all just hung out together and thats needs to change and luckily Michelle and Lauren are coming for a visit this week so thats good. but I was just thinking how crazy fast everything changed once everyone left, we all in our own ways were forced to go out and grow up, all of us. We are all finally left for the most part to out own defenses. And i think for a large part everyone started finding their own happiness, and its strange. Being by ourselves away from our best friends and still able to stay happy. I miss them so much i just wonder what it will be like to see everyone again, seeing as people won't seem so emo i guess is the word to use. Just weird. Anyways.
for the people who care. I'm doing well, I recently got another horse injury, my horse reared up and pulled the rope i had attatched to him out of my hand and took some of the skin on my fingers with it. so yeah bad rope burn. But everything is still well with me. I know this is going to sounds really disgusting, but yeah I'm also completely head over heals in love with someone, and hey she loves me back so thats nice. And she makes me quite happy. now you may vomit i'm sorry but it had to be said.
And school is a bitch and already making me rediculously tired. yay for early burn outs. Anyways yeah i guess thats really it. I miss everyone, and i hope you guys are all doing well anyways yeah.
Bye! |
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| 05:32pm 27/11/2005 |
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mood: aggravated music: Modest Mouse
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Life fucking sucks, I've come to the honest conclusion that no matter what, life will always fuck you over somehow. Happy for one second and next thing you know your life is upside down and sucking and why do we all do this? I'm so tired of everything i'm physically from all the pain I'm feeling.
I feel like in life I try to hard to be happy, and i try to do best to make everyone else happy, cause for fuck sake i want to be fucking happy. But its a sad time when you get to the point where you think getting to happiness is just not worth pain to get there. Like if i knew i could be happy for some lovely sustained period of time, the hell yes I'd do that to get there, but you know what i was happy, and the happy lasted for not very long. I used to think that any happiness is good ANY, but its just like why fucking bother. Its so much easier to be bitter and angry at the world. I'm so tired of fighting for happiness for once i just need it to come to me, but I'm not sure it ever will. And these awful thoughts of genuinly wanting to jump off a bridge keep coming into play. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. |
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| Heya Folks |
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| 11:40pm 05/09/2005 |
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mood:  Pleased and just yeah... music: Chrono Cross - Dream of the Shore Near Another World
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So Hi Ya'll
First things first Michelle if you read this I miss you way to much!
On to the second... Have any of you ever been so inspired to just work so hard to become successful at whatever you do?
Yeah I'm totally in one of those moods. I'm listening to the Chrono Cross soundtrack after playing the game for the majority of the day with the best friends a tiny boy could ask for. And this music inspires me so much, every note, every chord, seems to touch something there that is just really inspiring me to work on my music so much more. Not only that but i was reading up on the composer Yasunori Mitsuda, his whole story is just so awesome. Just the really awesome things that i relate too, ha he went to community college and look at him now one of the best game composers ever in my opinion. Anyways I just feel inspired and almost grateful and relieved that maybe i can actually get somewhere doing this if i really really really work at it. And I do have the software to do it. So nows a good a time as ever to really put my nose to the midi controller and just write.
Yeah... I'm in one of these really rare good moods where i almost feel like i can achieve anything. Its been a good weekend. and yeah I guess thats it. For you people who care about it, college is going really well I'm taking like 8 classes but most of them are music classes, and yeah it feels good to know there are other people out there in the same weird ass position I'm in. anyways yep thats it.
Bye! |
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| I'm back |
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| 05:19pm 10/08/2005 |
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So yeah I'm back from New York, and Pennsylvnia, it was fun, I had a blast got to meet some family for first time. It was a great experience, anyways I'll maybe update later, anyways just saying me back. |
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| eeeeep |
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| 04:23am 03/08/2005 |
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mood:  groggy music: Nothing
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okay so leaving for New York in like 2 hours its 4:30 I'm tired and flying terrifies me. But oh well, cause its new york. anywhose heh wow first short post in a while. |
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| FINE! |
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| 10:19pm 08/06/2005 |
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mood: nostalgic music: Beck - Jackass
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Okay fine,
Fuzz said he wanted me to so I will.
My six favorite songs (I also refuse to make other people do this so i won't post names of people i want to do this)
Um lets see
Oh and there will be theatre
1. Jackass -Beck
2. The Night that Goldman Spoke - Ragtime
3. Car 24 - Cowboy Bebop
4. When - Evening Primrose
5. Rainsong - Sunnyday Real estate
6. Verdi Requiem, and yeah I know its an entire piece but whatever!
Anywhose i suppose since I'm posting on here for quite possibly my last post in high school ever. I may as well make it count kinda.
So its time for us all to leave, people part ways and lives move on. okay this is cheesy
Look school has never really been about learning, for me anyways...sure i got some education out of it, but mostly awesome friendships. Its a social setting, but the one problem is that well we're all forced to leave. and when i mean leave, I mean leave our entire lives and create a new one. Frankly I don't wanna, I've been enjoying the friends I have, I mean between everyone at the spot and the few select people at school I'm close friends with. I have all i could ask for. But I am forced to move on as is everyone else. But instead of moving on entirely I'm looking at it as a challenge. While lives change and some friends leave there are those people who are with you forever. And i am planning on staying close with all those friends that I have now. And for the rest of the people who I did get along with but was never really close to you. Its been a pleasure knowing you, you guys have been fun to talk to, and I will miss you, but again you guys have your own lives and your own special friends that you will keep in contact with forever. So everyone i guess thats all I have to say, summer is almost here and while college is close its now here quite yet, so to everyone, live this last few months like they are literally your last cause come college there's a good chance everything will change, so lets all go have fun shall we?
To the spot: I love you guys immensely and I hope we never stop talking, you're the best thing thats ever happened to me and I'm sure the groups feels the same way about everyone else. I know we'll all remain close. I'm not to worried.
To some of you hamilton folks; Its been nice i hope that some of us will still talk, i'm hoping at least for the rest of you, have wonderful lives. |
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| Oh the rare occasion |
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| 07:30pm 28/12/2004 |
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mood:  relaxed music: Miles Davis - Dr. Jackle
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Ah Christmas such a festive time of year! I love christmas i like its mood and feeling, and lets face it we're all a little materialistic, presents are fun.
Hell right now I'm sitting here on my new ibook G4 laptop anticipating the record player my grandmother got for me on good ol' ebay to arrive. But every year I spend the day waiting to head over to my Uncles house for our yearly family christmas get together. Now it is fun seeing my family, but it can be pretty damn sad. We all sit there pretending that we have such a close family. What a load of crap. I see these people 5 times a year at max, rarely call them on the phone. Just kind of sad. Not only that nothing is really talked about, I'm afraid to say anything to them cause I might let something slipped that might in its own way separate me from the family. But whatever christmas was enjoyable to say the least, but all the while pretty sad.
Now, as for me, don't mean to sound all egotistical but whats a live journal for? I am probably one of the luckiest people in the world to have the friends I have. They're sweet, funny, kind, generous, and geeky on a lot of the same levels as I am. Its these people who have brought me some true love, yet at the same time I feel lonely, I feel sad knowing that I have no one to be in love with, an yes I know only 17, but depressing none the less. That's way being a hopeless romantic can suck. Oh well.
Anyways I'm just sitting here listening to some of the best Jazz around, the rain is pounding at my window, lightening strikes and thunder claps showing up once in a while, now this is my idea of a romantic evening, It's a good time to sit in dim lights and cuddle next to someone being contemplative, listening to some great music, and being content with the way life is at this very moment, give it an hour the skies will clear up the CD will end and everything will change. So taking my own advice I'll live through and enjoy the sad moments, cause sooner or later I'll be dead and I who knows if I'll ever be sad again. So why the hell not? I'll enjoy myself. Cause think about it we can easily be washed away like those poor people in Asia who were killed by Tsunamis. So enjoy yourself cause if ya don't oh well life will go on without you.
and I leave with this:
what's your cowboy bebop theme song? |
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| Wooten |
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| 11:55am 05/06/2004 |
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mood: pleased music: Sigur Rós - Olsen Olsen
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So Hello all! this is normally something I don't do often but it's worth it. overall school yesterday sucked big time. BUT I so happily got to see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban yesterday. but to top it all off I met some one I've been talking to online for like 3 years, and even better SHE WASN'T AN 80 YEAR OLD MAN! the joy! For those of you who do know her it was Merlinda who definintely rocks, and has quite the obsession with ducktape. But yes meeting her was awesome, and she was short so it was all good. Also Jessica was there one of my very close friends. and we all had a great time!
Now onto what I thought about the movie! this is a review so expect spoilers of all kinds.
Ok so overall the movie was fucking amazing and this is coming from someone who really didn't like the first 2 movies. The tone of the movie was much darker, and by god the main trio CAN ACT, fucking amazing. The Hogwarts landscape was god gorgous, it wasn't so lined up as it originally was, it was wild, things where you didn't expect them to be, the court yards had fountains and shrubs and that look of something old that has really lasted. Ok for you people who complained about the kids not wearing robes, they did wear robes but they also wore muggle clothing, and it worked in the form of the movie.
The whomping willow was also quite amazing, unlike in the second movie, the whomping willow had this personality wear you could see where it was coming from when it beats the shit out of every thing that crosses its path. A great CG character. speaking of CG characters, Buckbeak was just wow, he actually looked real, the way he acted and moved was just real. And as for the dementors, I actually got chills everytime I saw one, gave me the creeps the way everything turned into ice everytime the drew near. and lupin as the werewolf was pretty awesome to, you could really see it's humanity.
Now to the overall plot moved quite well, but as a harry potter geek, I must say that they left out some key elements, like who exactly Mooney, Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail actually were, and why Harry's patronus turned into a stag. but overall the plot moved well, the camera's movement was, as repeated in many reviews, very fluid, the story was strong and as were the emotions. Overall a great movie, it truely is was all the Harry Potter fans deserve. Expect utter brilliance.
and yeah that's it, very reviewy like. Um had a great time definitely a great way to end your day. so talk to you all later! |
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| WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE |
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| 01:46pm 23/03/2004 |
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After 3 fucking years I FINALL GET MY BRACES OF MUAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
*cough*
anyways if you cannot tell. I am super happy and yeah happy
School still blows didn't have to go today which is good. and my teeth are straight and pretty! wheee
get retainers next week but they're invisible so that's fine. anyways going to go and *shrug* do something.
BYE! |
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| 06:29pm 19/02/2004 |
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mood: lonely music: Sigur Rós - Olsen Olsen
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I AM THE ULTIMATE BAD ASS EVIL DOOD! death to all
You are Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII.
You like slaughtering, arson and possessing people.
You are also the ultimate yaoi character and
get to do a lot of other videogame boys. Go
you.
Which Cool Evil Guy Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla<
anyways hi people thought I'd drop in tell everyone i was tired and than you know go to sleep or something. now onto homework |
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| 06:29pm 19/02/2004 |
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mood: lonely music: Sigur Rós - Olsen Olsen
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Heya Peoples of the sort. Just thought I'd drop in say hi and than probably run off to frolic in a forest full of faieries and other leprachaunic type creatures.
As for life, people seem to often worry about my well being, so thought I'd tell everyone I'm doing okay and not trying to kill myself or um other people for a change which is odd cause I want other people dead as most of then suck. what else? eh I'm out of ideas. Remember when in doubt! EAT ICE CREAM and watch soap opera's while calling yourself fat. it's what I do. *giggle*
To all those people who are dating people, I wish you the best of luck with that, and I hope you're happy. *goes Emo on all your asses*
Ok fuck this I'm gonna go and play with my puppies and feed them cheese so they fart on my sister, which will be funny.
If I were a robot I'd want to be this dude cause Zero kicks ass.
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| 08:14pm 11/02/2004 |
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mood:  lazy music: Nobuo Uematsu - Last of the Cetra (Orchestrated)
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I DON'T WANNA DO WORK! man sometimes, wait, I all the time hate homework. I also do not wanna go to school tomorrow, why? because....I don't wanna.
Okies enough about me, lets talk about um ME!, ok I'm lame. That was lame. I'm going to go jump off a lame bridge. Um so anyone want to do my homework!? thought not. okies I suppose I should.
Man life is weird, just stop and really think about it sometime. It might scare you. It scares me.
Okies I love you bye bye! |
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emersonpotter's journal